Do you get restless nights of tossing and turning because your dog farts too much?

Do you find yourself tired with no energy and attentiveness because your dog had dropped the SBD (silent but deadly) bombs all night all over your face?

Do you shy away from social situations or act awkwardly in front of the opposite sex for fear of retaliation of the smell you carry with you because your dog has no control over his butt burp?

Do you feel hopeless, demoralized, and/or useless because your K9 companion keeps playing the flute with his gluteus maximus?

If you do, there’s no shame in it.

You are not alone. You are one of the millions of Americans suffering from this condition called CBB, also known as the Canine Bean Bomber. But, there’s hope.

Introducing the dog fart thong:

The Dogone - Dog Gas Neutralizing Pad is a comfortable and least intrusive means for deodorizing gassy discharges in a thong design. This will eliminate pet odors and dog odors from flatus or flatulence.

Now, you can live. Now, there’s hope. Now, there’s the Dogone Thong.

Dogone IS NOT FOR EVERYONE. Only your doctor can decide if Dogone is right for you and your dog. Before taking Dogone, ask if you’re mentally sane enought to think that your dog’s gas is causing problems in your life and be sure to tell your doctor about all your other idiotic conditions that you blame your dog for. Don’t take Dogone if you are actually a normal person and doesn’t give a damn if your dog’s gas is deadly.

Don’t drink alcohol in excess with Dogone, as this may make you actually regret spending money on a product that has absolutely no bearing on you or your pet’s life. Dogone does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV. The most common side effects with Dogone were post-purchase regret and upset stomach. Backache and muscle ache were also reported.

As with any other idiotic product, in the rare event of an anger lasting more than 4 hours, seek immediate medical help to avoid long-term injury.

Dogone is available by internet only because no self-respecting merchant would carry this product. For additional safety information, talk to your doctor or anyone with half a brain about this product.

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Happy (belated) Earth Day. Hopefully everyone had a nice green day and even greener rest of the year. Remember, want not, waste not! And of course, if you’re a pet owner, you can actually make your pet “environment friendly” too:

 

• Look for kitty litter made from sawmill scrap, recycled paper, wheat or corn that is biodegradable, flushable, lighter and less smelly. Biodegradable litter-pan liners also are available.

• Clean up your dog’s mess. Bacteria washed into waterways can starve ponds of oxygen and kill aquatic life. Use biodegradable poop bags.

• As a flea repellent, try Brewer’s yeast or garlic on the pet’s food.

• Adopt a homeless animal and have the new pet spayed or neutered to reduce overpopulation.

• Grow your own catnip.

• Consider switching to organic pet food. Read the labels so you know what’s in your pet’s food.

• Shop for beds, toys and collars made from recyclable materials. Or make your own.

• Don’t adjust your home thermostat for your pets while you’re out. They will find a cool spot if the thermostat is set at 80 to 85 degrees during the summer.

• Keep your cat indoors, especially at night when it is more likely to kill wildlife.

 

Insane, you say?

Nay!

Let’ make our dogs green and eat some hay!

* End of sarcasm *

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